The desert hasn’t exactly welcomed me back with a sweet embrace, so to speak. I arrived safely, but my luggage did not. After a couple of phone calls to the number they gave me and many anxious prayers on my part I got it a day and a half later, much to my relief. (It does, after all, contain hopefully enough chocolate to sustain me these next 9 months!) And, of course, of course we are continuing in our series of electrical problems in the apartment. My housemate and I can only really respond with sighs. And jet lag…life just seems to me a lot harder when you’re tired and can’t sleep. I don’t mean to complain, but it’s the truth of how I’m feeling.
What is definitely the hardest part is that I was unprepared emotionally for how difficult saying goodbye to everyone would be this time around. It’s caught me kind of off guard and there have been more tears than I care to admit.
Leaving home where I fell so loved and well cared for, where I feel free, and coming back to a land where things generally don’t make a whole lot of sense to me has been harder than I thought. I come back feeling torn between two worlds. One where I feel comfortable and at ease and surrounded by people and things that breathe joy and life into me. And another one that I choose for myself, that I’m learning to love, but that is a really, really hard place to live. I find myself wondering if I can hack it.
Choosing to live somewhere else is almost like asking for a broken heart. Because no matter where you are, a part of your heart is somewhere else. No matter where you are, you’re a little incomplete.
I’m sure the sting will wear off in a few days. When I get back into life and a routine it will make things easier I’m sure. I didn’t expect returning to be this difficult. But later today I will go visit the boys. They bring me so much joy. Will invigorate my spirit I’m sure. It will help to be reminded why I’m here, and why I was a little sad to be leaving when I left for my break. 🙂
“Like all explorers, we are drawn to discover whats out there without knowing yet if we have the courage to face it.” Pema Chodron