But there was a cool thing. One of the older boys drew a really nice picture of trees along the Nile with mountains. J was there (if you will recall, the gal who came to my aid the day I was at the centre all alone) and asked if I could show him how to shade. So I drew a little picture and explained highlight and lowlight and shadow and light source. (J helped with translation). It was really cool for me. He was happy and said that he wanted to learn something new everyday and wanted to learn to be an artist. It is such a great feeling to teach someone something new…esspecially when I felt like I was floundering the rest of the time!
I am pretty intimidated by what I came here to do and I am darn scared of failing. I am not sure what failure looks like…but I don’t want to be a waste of resources, potential, time, or anything. I am not sure where this road is going to take me, but I think that God continually prepares you for whatever is next while you work where you are. I just have to do my best every day, cling to God, and trust that is enough.
What can measure the success of failure of these next few years, or of a life well lived? There isn’t anything concrete. I think the measure will be the condition of my heart and the amount of myself that I have poured out for God and for others. Who knows when you have given or done enough. It is never enough. There is always the potential for more. But God gives us grace and I can’t believe that he expects or requires that we live our lives as a hampster on a wheel going and going and trying and trying. That starts to look a lot like a works based faith and that is not why Christ came.
I will do what I am capable of through Christ, wherever God puts me, and trust that He will use it. Things do not rely on my abilities but on my willingness to follow. I know that the consideration of self is what stops most Christians. I know to be like him I have to die. Die to myself every day–and more if that is what comes.
I read back through part of my summer journal the other day. God was feeding my soul, even when I felt dissatisfied and the cry of my heart was to be in Africa doing his work. I am in a new season–one that I begged, pleaded, worked, and waited for. Everyday is not a bowl of cherries, but I am thankful to be here. Truly. From the bottom of my heart. Miracles brought me here. Not a day goes by that I have to practically pinch myself to make sure this is real–that I am indeed living my dream. I am scared of all kinds of things but I am confident in the hand that brought me here with my whole heart.
I do not walk alone. That is a great and glorious thing.